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The journal of Captain Obvious

Discussion in 'Red Dead Discussion' started by Chinny-againny, Feb 26, 2013.

  1. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey Captain Obvious? What's up with people ranting about religion on RDR? What's with all the Jesus?

    Captain: Everyone has a right to choose their own religious beliefs (unless of course that entails human sacrifice to the dark lord Ktulu in which case others might take offense). Everyone also has a right to freedom of speech. However, keep your religion out of my game if ya don't mind. I don't care if ur Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, whatever....because honestly ur playing a game where all ur doing is killing people and generally cussing and swearing at each other on the mic. so honestly....there is no reason to bring up religion. Whatever you do, don't compare the the lack of evidence of your dieties existence to that of an invisible element like Oxygen. Oxygen has been scientifically proven to exist. That's why it's on the periodic table of KNOWN elements. Jesus, on the other hand is not on the periodic table of elements because there is no scientific proof of his exicstence. So please don't try to compare the two just because both are "invisible" ....... that's a poor argument, especially when you go up against sopmeone with a chemistry background. No disrespect to religion folks...... just the truth that's all.

    NOOB: What if they keep talking about it?

    Captain: Add em' to the block list kid.....add em' to the block list (THNSAWOITS)

    NOOB: (to self) If Jesus is real.....would he prevent me from blocking them if they are singing his praises? I doubt it. He'd probably support me blocking anyone who is an idiot....
     
  2. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey Captain Obvious? If I'm a male and I play with a female character does that make me gay?

    Captain: Why do you ask?

    NOOB: Well, last might I was playing and some BOOB named Gcarl asked me why my character was female....heres how the conversation went:

    Gcarl: Why is your character a girl?
    NOOB: Why do you ask? Is there something wrong with that?

    Gcarl: Don't you think that's sort of gay?

    NOOB: Are you saying I'm gay because I play with a female character or are you saying that gay people dress up as girls? DO you have a problem with gay people? What if my character was black? Would you then be asking why my character is black instead of white because I'm white? .......

    It went on like this and I yelled at him for being a homophobic ignorant idiot. Now don't get me wrong I'm not gay, I just don't like people who are prejudice in any way.

    Captain: Here's the deal kiddo, in a video game where there are character options, everyone is allowed to choose who they want to play with. That's part of the fun. Most of the female characters you see running around in free roam are dudes anyway. Anyone who has a problem with that is ignorant, stupid, and more than likely homophobic to boot. Good for you for saying something. I mean really, think about it.....how many games have female characters? I immediately think of fighting games like tekken, dead or alive, and street fighter.....all of which have female characters you can choose from and usually are some of the best to play with. Heres why I play with a female character:

    Reason 1: I play with a female character because I think it's funny to mess with people, especially those who actually think they are playing against a female (there's like 4 women on the planet that play RDR at this point....lol)

    Reason 2: I love it when people call me gay, bitch, or fag when I play with a female character because when I whoop their ass I get to come back and say "Well, if I'm a (insert derogatory term) then you just got beaten by one.....what does that make you?

    Reason 3: There's nothing funnier than hearing NOOBS react to the whore's staements when she wins a match because not a one of them makes sense. Seriously, who whoops someones but and then says "in my country we know how to make food...and looovvvve" or "Hello Americans I HATE this place!" or "I'm going to make you feel good, RAAAAGH!!!!" that's just funny.

    Reason 4: So I can call out all the homophobic idiots in the world and educate those who don't think that they are.
     
  3. DooDoo

    DooDoo OG: Original Gluesniffer

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    I use a black Walton's gang character...you can imagine the racial slurs I am called...even when I'm using my mic and I'm the most obvious white peckerwood cracker ass honkey you could possibly imagine.
     
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  4. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    Captain: Why....cant......I see what....I'm typing....Ughhhhh...

    NOOB: I dunno but this is BS! Someone should fix this site!!!
     
  5. TequilaFire

    TequilaFire Administrator Staff Member

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    I can see what I am typing just fine.
    I am using Blackend-Red theme.
    Persht just screwed around with the themes again so what theme are you using?
     
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  6. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    Captain: OMG I can see!!!! God Bless tequila fire! 'MERICA!!!

    NOOB: OMG Captain so can I!!!!

    Captain: you can?

    NOOB: yep!

    Captain: ( quickly pokes noob in the eyes with index and ring finger) How bout now?


    NOOB: OUCH!!!!

    Captain: Damn right ouch you little shit! (THNSAWOITS)
     
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  7. TequilaFire

    TequilaFire Administrator Staff Member

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    Funny shit! lol
     
  8. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    I aim to please kid....I aim to please (THNSAWOITS)
     
  9. Persht

    Persht Administrator Staff Member

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    I have to fix that my bad >.> I have been using a different theme for a long while lol
     
  10. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    CAPTAIN: (Stumbles out of a saloon, runs to the middle of the street, collapes to his knees and screams) DEAR GOD WHAT HAEV I DONE!!!

    NOOB: (Seeing the Captain in distress quickly runs to his side) What's wrong Captain obvious?

    CAPTAIN: Well kid, I was playing the other night on another game and beat so I went to delete the file after winning. My Ps3 said there were multiple files for the game and asked if I wanted to delete them as well. I accidentally chose select all at that point and deleted all of my saved info for multiplayer!!!

    NOOB: OMG CAPTAIN WHAT WILL YOU EVER DO!!!

    Captain: (suddenly stops sobbing and smiles) Laugh? Start over? Who cares? It's just a game and if they ever fix this damn thing I'll play again. I mean seriously watch this (Captain pulls gun from holster and although there is no gun it appears as if he is holding an invisible one). UGH! Damned hackers!

    (Several farmers with beards walk out of the saloon wearing overalls with full beards and no arms)

    FARMERS: I'm hurt, I need help! I'm hurtin' real BAD!!!!!

    (The farmers wander around aimlessly continuing to say the same thing over and over)

    NOOB: WTF is that all about?

    Captain: That's a glitch kid.....that's a glitch (Captain holds his imaginary gun up to his head and pulls the trigger only to find that it still fires bullets and one blows a hole straight through his head) Oh sure....now it works......

    (Captain colapses on the ground)

    NOOB: Captain Obvious NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

    NARRATOR: IS THIS THE END OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS? WILL THE RDR GLITCH THAT KILLED MULTIPLAYER EVER BE FIXED? THERES ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT AND THAT'S TO TUNE FOR THE NEXT EPOSIDE OF ......THE JOURNAL OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!!!
     
  11. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    (The noob stands in the same street where captain obvious shot himself. Captain obvious disappeared shortly after shooting himself with his own gun. The noob looks to the horizon and sees a familiar silhouette coming up the road. As the silhouette comes closer the noob runs to it, knowing it cam only be......)

    NOOB: Captain Obvious! Ur back! But how!

    Captain: I respawned.....same as everyone else dummy.

    NOOB: Why did it take so long?

    Captain: I've been stuck on the red load screen for the past month that's what took so long! What have you been up to?

    NOOB: ummmm.....sitting here hoping you weren't dead?

    Captain: wow kid that's an all time low even for you. Now do yourself a favor, get up, dust yourself off, and go buy a new game! Imagine all of the titles you missed out on by playing this stupid game for the past 3 years????

    NOOB: but it won't be the same!

    Captain: after what those bastards did to us nothing will ever be the same kid.....nothing will ever be the same.....oh yeah and boycott rockstar! (THNSAWOITS)
     
  12. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey Captain obvious? Are you there? (Captain obvious appears out of nowhere as if teleported through a star trek style beam)

    NOOB: Oh, there you are. How did you manage to do that?

    Captain: Do what kid?

    NOOB: Appear like that out of nowhere?

    Captain: Well kid, ever since that RDR glitch started last December it has allowed me to transcend my phyical existence and evolve to the next level of physical form, much like that stupid new movie with Johnny Depp.

    NOOB: Oh......umm...okay........

    Captain: You got a question or what kid? I ain't got all day and this whole transcendence thing makes wanna take a nappy nap.

    NOOB: Uh....yeah. Do you know when and if the great RDR glitch calamity of 2013 will ever be fixed or is RDR forever goign to be screwed up because.....sometimes I can get ot to work for a few matches but then it's all messed up again? I'm also wondering if all the new RDR player are going to keep accusing me of cheating when it's truly the game glitching at this point?

    Captain: So far as I know rockstar claims that they are working on it but it's now been about 4 months with no improvement so I kinda doubt it. Either they can't fix it or don't care to. As for noobs complaining that you are hacking when it's the glitch who cares? The one good thing the glitch has done is gotten rid of all of the cheats and hacks that used to be on rdr so that when you do get a match that actually works you're pretty much guaranteed to win if you're a halfway decent player. When I do play, and when it actually works without a glitch I pretty much win every match. A couple of times I even came close to legitimately getting a perfect match with no deaths and 50 kills (I was only 4 away.....so close) and there were only 4 players in the match! This must be how all tha hackers like Jeaust, Craneo Rojo, HeadshooterCR(Same guy right? Craneo rojo CR)
    and others must have felt. I do wish the game still worked right though. I'd rather deal with the hackers than the glitches.

    NOOB: Well what about these guys? (Points to a pile of bearded guys in overalls with no arms who are all screaming "Oh lord, I need help, I'm dying!) Are they ever going away?

    Captain: Apparently not kid.....aparently not....(THNSAWOITS)
     
  13. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: (cautiously enters the domicile of captain obvious.....the captain has been avoiding him for weeks and dodging his questions for weeks.....the noob has figured out the captains crapper schedule and carefully approaches the closed bathroom door....he knocks three times....knock......knock......knock)

    CAPTAIN: WHO THE HELL IS IT???? Your interupting my dookey time you sidewindin' S.O.B. So you better have a damn good reason (captain obvious grunts followed by a disgusting sound PFFFRRRRRRTTT!!!!!! Followed by the sound of water splashing).

    NOOB: (waves his hand in Front of his nose as he squats near the keyhole) Hey.......Captain Obvious?

    CAPTAIN: (mumbles to self) you gotta be fu**ing kidding me........WHAT KID???

    NOOB: Ummmm....I was wondering why it is that ever since the great glitch calamity of 2013 people leave matches so quickly even when they get into a match that isn't glitchy? I know that the are a ton of glitches in multiplayer, and I know that sometimes people leave a match because they can't use a gun.....or can't see other players....or whatever. But even when I get into match with 2 or three players where no one is glitching they all seem to quit before the match even ends?

    CAPTAIN: Well ya see kid (grunts....PRFFFFT!!!). ......... Most of the decent players or even halfway decent players have stopped playing. So most of the times ya see noobs going up against noobs. Either that or you're playing against someone who just sucks these days. So then someone like me comes in there when a match is actually working for once and cleans house. It ticks off the noobs to see that they have 0 points to my 1500 or so......so they rage quit like the little pansies they are.

    NOOB: That makes sense.......but what about players like Gcarl who have been on there for ages?

    CAPTAIN: Gcarl is a whiny little bitch who constantly complains and then quits. He never gets better and starts yelling prejudice defamatory comments at other players when he starts losing. What do you expect?

    NOOB: Yeah, I guess you are right on that one. Thanks captain obvious!

    (Noob starts to walk off)

    CAPTAIN: hey kid don't go yet! I got a present for ya!

    (Noob turns back)

    NOOB: you do!

    CAPTAIN: sure kid! Open the door!

    (NOOB quickly opens the bathroom door without thinking.....the captain is sitting on the toilet with a handful of poop which he flings in the noobs face)

    CAPTAIN: THATS FOR INTERRUPTING POOPY TIME YOU LITTLE BRAT NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!

    NOOB: (running out gagging) you're a sick bastard!

    CAPTAIN: I sure am kid.....I sure am.....(STHNAPOL....which stands for SITS, TIPS HAT, NODS, AND PINCHES OUT A LOAF)
     
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  14. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey Captain Obvious?

    Captain: What is ya little brat I'm busy.

    NOOB: How come there are so many little kids playing RDR and other extremely mature titles like RDR When these games are full of violence, nudity, and in some cases sexual content? They are mature rated titles so how is it that these little kids are playing them?

    Captain: Well kid, the fact of the matter is that there are some really bad parents out there who don't pay attention to their kids or what they do. There are also some parents who let their kids get whatever they want even when it's not good for them. Some parent don't properly teather bouncy castles to the ground in a field on a windy day. It's getting to the point where parents are starting to do what their kids tell them to do as opposed to the other way around. These brats need to have their PS3's taken away and given a good spanking.....but these parens will never do it. They'll get theirs though when they realize 10 years from now that they've raised a spoiled brat who is going to live in their basement for the rest of his or her life, never get a job, and sponge off of them until they are old and gray.

    NOOB: But Captain Obvious, don't you live in your parents basement?

    Captain: Whether I do or don't is none of your business. It's also none of you business as to whether I smoke copius amounts of marijuana, am an unmotivated fat loser as a result, and currently have a hot cheeto stuck to my inner thigh.

    NOOB: Umm......ooookay??

    Captain: Yer Damn right ok kid.....yer damn right (THNSAWOITS)

    NOOB: What a hypocrite......
     
  15. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    (Somewhere outside of. Chuparosa the NOOB comes running over a hillside screaming.....captain obvious is perched on a rooftop in Chuparosa...)

    NOOB: HEY! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS THEY FIXED IT! THEY REALLY DID IT! THE GLITCH IS FIXED ON RED DEAD REDEM- (BOOOOOOOOM! Captain obvious blows the noob to pieces with an explosive rifle)

    CAPTAIN: that'll teach ya kid....that'll tea- (BOOOOOOOOM! Captain obvious is blown to pieces by the noob toting an explosive rifle.

    NOOB: HAHA!

    Captain (re spawning): well that sucks.....
     
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  16. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey Captain Obvious? Did you know that the whole explosive rifle thing is over now? At least when I play I have to earn it now and if I die it's gone.

    Captain: well yeah DUH!........it should have been "obvious" (wink wink) that it wasn't going to last with all of the complaints.....either that or it was something they did temporarily in order to let folks have a bit of fun with the return after 6 months.....either way ........what the hell do you want anyway kid?

    NOOB: well.....since you asked.....I've noticed that since being back I'm seeing a lot of the glitchy/laggy/double rolling SOB's that haven't played the game in years and they are literally ruining matches. Why did they all come back?

    Captain: Well kid, in some cases it's just the lag in the game and you aren't used to it since it's been a long time since so many players have played the game. On the other hand there are still lag switchers and players who manage to pull super spins, double rolls, etc.... Who feel that they have something to prove to the new players out there. My guess would be that once they realize that there is no longer a leader board for them to see their stats on that they won't care to play anymore.

    NOOB: Wow, thanks captain obvious! That was actually a polite, concise, and well thought out answer!

    Captain: you wanna know what else was polite, concise, and well though out? THIS (the captain winds back his right leg and swings it forward making precise contact with the noobs genitals....the noob drops to the ground in so much pain that he is speechless and just groans) .........Well.....on second thought maybe that wasn't polite kid....maybe that wasn't polite ....(THNSAWOITS)
     
  17. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    ........(somewhere in armadillo Captain obvious sits at a bar with a bottle of scotch.....relaxing after a long day of ass kicking until he hears a random set of voices coming from a nearby posse ove the mic..)

    NOOB 1: Hey! There's a guy in armadillo.....let's get him to join our posse!

    NOOB 2: Yeah ok what's his name?

    NOOB 3: it says CH......CH......China....Chyneee..... Chyneee Agaynee???? (Pronounced like chi as China and instead of an eh sound on again they also use an "I" sound like China on again.......)

    NOOB 1: Hey Chyneee Agynee! HEY! Chyneee? Can you hear us? Is you mic on?

    NOOB 2: LEt me try... Hey Chyneee! Chyneee Agynee! Join our Posse!

    (Captain obvious begins to cringe with annoyance...eventually reaching the point where be throws his bottle of scotch across the bar nearly hitting the bartender as it smashes to pieces)

    Bartender: Hey watch it Mister!

    Captain: My bad.....be right back (Captain obvious steps outside to see three NOOBS riding horse around the outskirts of Armadillo)

    NOOB 1 : Hey guys I see him! Hey Chyneee! Join our posse!


    Captain: join this! (Captain obvious kills all three posse members with deadeye in a matter of seconds) AND TAKE SOME READING CLASSES WHILE UR AT IT! YOU IDIOTS NEED TO GET HOOKED ON PHONICS!

    (Respawning)

    NOOB 1: Hey guys that Ch- Ch--- Chyneee guy shot me!

    NOOB 2: Me too! It was that Chyneee Aga.....ag......Agynee dude.

    NOOB 3: Hey guys I got shot by that ch.....ch......Chyyyy...chyyyynnn.....chynnneeee guy....


    Captain obvious: why do I even bother.......why do I even bother (THNSAWOITS)


    NOTE: Yes I realize it's my gamer tag and not actual words but seriously? Anyone with even a basic knowledge of reading and English language phonetics should be able to decode and pronounce something as simple as Chinny (as in a chin on ones face) and Againny (fo gods sake the word again is already in there for you...CMON!).
     
  18. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey Captain obvious? How come lately I see people running away in the middle of a FFA match for the hills?

    Captain: Because these idiots seem to think they are in regular free roam during a match. It's quite annoying when you follow a dot on the map for a kill only to find the player has run a good 20 miles outside of Armadillo. I chase em' down and shoot em' anyway just for being so freaking dumb. Although some never learn. I chased one guy down three times last night in the same match!

    NOOB: But...don't you care about winning the match?

    Captain: With no leaderboard on PS3 (why they got rid of it I have no idea because people are still cheating and hacking) it doesnt really matter if you win...just as long as you are having fun.

    NOOB: That sort of sucks.

    Captain: It sure does kid....i sure does....(THNSAWOITS)
     
  19. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey captain obvious? I'm confused about Spanish speakers on rdr......

    Captain: Again? Really?

    NOOB: Well they keep calling everyone camperos-

    Captain: we've been through this kid, they call everyone camperos.....then camp themselves....CAMPERO isn't even a word in Spanish....

    NOOB: okay okay I get it.....old news....lately though when I call them out about the CAMPERO stuff they keep saying "Juan on Juan" and I don't get what that means......or they say "see me Juan on Juan".....

    Captain: Hmmmm....let me google that one......just a sec......................AHA! According to google "Juan on Juan" is the most famous male on male Hispanic themed adult film ever made.....I guess those guys must really go in for that stuff and apparently they want you to either watch it or watch it with them?

    NOOB: Ummm...maybe.....but that seems weird.

    Captain: hmmm...perhaps they mean "one on one" like a one on one match?

    NOOB: that makes more sense.

    Captain: not to me kid. Tell ya what.....why don't you go out and see that movie and then next time they say "Juan on Juan" you can tell them you've already seen it. That way you'll know either way.

    NOOB: Ok! Thanks captain obvious!

    Captain: uh....yeah.......(giggling).....any time kid.....any time (THNSAWOITS) (mumbles to self "that kids about to traumatize himself.....ha!)
     
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  20. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Wrangler

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    NOOB: Hey captain obvious? What's up with all of the shotgun haters? Seems like lately when I use a shotgun other players complain or call me a wuss for using it....isn't it harder to kill someone at close range with a shotgun than to stand 100 feet away and pick them off with a rifle or a handgun?

    Captain: there is nothing wrong with using a shotgun in a match. Especially if you have restarted and are trying to earn back all of your golden guns (wink wink). In fact I think it's harder to win a match using only shotguns except for maybe in Las Hermanas when the are a lot of players in there at once. It's even harder to get headshots with a shotgun.....you aim for the head but half the time it doesn't give you a headshot kill. Getting headshots or kills period with the sawed off only happens rarely so I have no idea why someone would complain about shotgun use unless they like to cry like little girls and just want something to complain about.....that and those hacking spinning double rolling bastards don't stand a chance when you fill them with five shots from a semi automatic shotgun and that makes em' cranky....damned spinning top whirligig SOB's....

    NOOB: Gee captain obvious ! Thanks! That was some of the best advice you have ever given me? Does this mean you are turning over a new leaf and actually trying to give legit and useful advice?

    WHAM!!!!!! (Captain obvious sucker punches the NOOB right in the nose knocking him to the ground unconscious)

    CAPTAIN: when hell freezes over kid......when hell freezes over.....(THNSAWOITS)
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2014

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