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The journal of Captain Obvious

Discussion in 'Red Dead Discussion' started by Chinny-againny, Feb 26, 2013.

  1. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    (The Noob sits on the steps outside the Saloon in Armadillo, sulking sadly.....suddenly, over the horizon he's sees a familiar figure dressed in black, riding a white horse and smoking a cigarillo...he can't make out the figure at first due to blurring from the sun, but as the figure comes closer he realizes who it is).

    NOOB: It's Captain Obvious! It's Captain obvious! Hey everyone he's back!

    (All of the towns folk of Armadillo come from their houses to greet him as he rides up from the long desert behind him)

    NOOB: Captain Obvious where have you been????

    Captain: (Tips hat to the noob). Well kid, I've been at game stop, buying and playing games that actually work. I am currently waiting to move into my new house and am staying somewhere in which the only internet I can get is a hot spot on my phone so I can't say I've been online much. I've been spending time in the single player offline world and I'm enjoying myself. I'm currently playing L.A. Noire, Batman Arkham City and I have 7 other games to play at home so I can't say I'll be back any time soon.

    NOOB: But....those are REALLY old games?

    Captain: So is RDR kid.....does it make it any less fun to play? NO. SO while you spend 50 bucks a game I get 10 games for 50 bucks that are all worth playing so you can suck it. I'll get a PS4 when I'm good and ready.

    NOOB: But.....what will we do? How will we survive without you?

    Captain: (The towns people all look at him.....eagerly awaiting his response) Well kid, you were doin' fine before I came along and you'll be just fine without me. But know this, someday, when online gaming returns to what it should be and there's a new RDR map to explore (RDR EUROPE, ARFICA, AND OR CANADA MAYBE???) you'll be sure to find me there.
    Until then.....STFU and quit yer cryin'!!!!!

    WHAP!!! (slaps noob across the face)

    (The crowd gasps)

    (Captain begins to slowly ride out of town into the sunset)

    NOOB: I love you Captain Obvious! I'll always remember you!

    Captain: That's because you're a complete Panzy kid.....that's because you're a complete Panzy....

    THNSAWOITS
     
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  2. Persht

    Persht Administrator Staff Member

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    Hope you got that internet situation sorted out.
     
  3. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    NOOB: (standing on the porch of the Armadillo Saloon) Hey Captain Obvious? Who the heck is this guy? He says he's you?
    [​IMG]

    CAPTAIN: A mere shadow of what I am! I was Captain Obvious long before this clown ever came along and I will be long after he is gone! I hate this boob! Before he came along I was like the 2nd or third thing you saw when you googled "Captain Obvious" .... now I'm so deep I don't even know where I turn up.

    NOOB: Ummmm....not to pee in your Kool Aid, but don't you think there were other people using the idea of Captain Obvious long before you? I mean it's really not that original of an idea. The phrase "thanks Captain Obvious" has been around for decades.

    CAPTAIN: (squints eyes as rage builds in his face.....winds his arm back s far as he can and backhands the NOOB) WHAAAP! (The NOOB is backhanded so hard that he goes flying through the doors leading into the saloon, across the room, and crashes through the back wall landing back by the barn).

    CAPTAIN: That'll learn ya you ingrate!

    THNSAWOITS.
     
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  4. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    NOOB: Hey Captain obvious, since RDR 2 is pushed back can I still paly RDR 1 online?

    Captain: Well kid, you can, but I'd also spam message the crap out of Rockstar to try and get them to fix it. It's still a mess and pretty glitchy at times.

    NOOB: Is it still worth playing?

    Captain: Heck yeah! Every match is full of NOOBS and you can head shot them until they rage quit or vote you out! I got voted out of 7 matches yesterday and was honestly going for a record. Today I'm gonna go for 8!

    NOOB: You're such a prick....

    Captain: Right Diddleyon! (THNSAWOITS)
     
  5. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    NOOB: Hey Captain Obvious? How come some guy posted about the Nintendo Switch on this thread? This isn't even RDR on topic? WTF?

    Captain: I dunno kid, some sidewindin' bastards just don't know what they're doin'.

    NOOB: Not to be a dick but.......I don't even think RDR is available on the switch? And who buys a stupid Nintendo Anyway? Those are kiddie systems....

    Captain: (Quickly hides his NES mini classic behind his back) Ummm.....Errr....Ahhh.....I dunno kid, only pussies play Nintendo.

    NOOB: (Noticing something behind the Captain's back). Hey.....whatcha got there?

    Captain: NONE OF YER GODDAMN BUSINESS! Now, as far as current game play goes for RDR on PS3 it's till glitchy but it works from time to time. Even some of the old players like me have been playing again in anticipation of the new title....I've seen Bad Nun (tried to friend me...HA! As if) and Alaska Mad Hit Man (who has taken to camping 100% of the time these days) and a few others. The good news is that there are no lag switching hackers anymore so I hardly ever lose a match. I get voted out frequently just because I'm kicking everyone's ass. Anyhow, you can get into free roam easily and troll, FFA matches usually work, and gang matches from time to time. Once again I advise everyone to send Rockstar a message asking them to fix it since RDR2 won't be out for a while.

    (THNSAWOITS)
     
  6. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    Seems to me RDR is working fine again but the gang matches are over-run by cheaters and hacks......someone explain to me how I can kick just about anyone's ass in a regular FFA match but when I get into gang matches suddenly I can't get a head shot even lined up before someone shoots me.....I've actually been accused of being a noob by some of these players.....some of them are in obvious "god" mode and can't be killed and move super fast but the other guys are more subtle....pulling of 20 headshots in a match out of 25 kills.....is my controller out of whack? What is the deal here? I don't recognize any of the gamer tags on most of these guys either.....
     
  7. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    I take my last post back.....as of memorial day weekend RDR seems to be wonky again with some weird glitches......it worked all summer but seems to be screwy again.....

    NOOB: (comes running out of nowhere) Captain Obvious! You came back and didn't tell anyone???? What the hell man?

    Captain: Who are you my mom? Yeah I came back. Seen some new glitchers and hackers that run at super speed and can't be killed.....make bears and crap appear during shoot outs......lots of new campers....although apparently I'm a camper now because I'm not out in the open all the time according to "Don't Cry B".......I also get frequent messages stating "NOOOOOOOOOP" and I have no idea what that means......if that statement ended in a B I'd get it although they'd be wrong or if it had an E on the end of it that would at least be a long "nope" but I have no idea what "nooooop" means. So what have you been up to kid?

    NOOB: Oh, well I'm glad you asked I-

    Captain: (cuts off the noob mid speech) I'm kidding I don't care what you were up to now piss off before I smack ya!

    (Noob cowers and runs away)

    Captain; Some things never change I tell ya, some things never change......

    THNSAWOITS
     
  8. ANGEL_OF_DEATH

    ANGEL_OF_DEATH Career Criminal

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    Yo, add me on PS4, my psn is "InsbleToTheye", lets get on RDR2 2gthr like old times :)
     
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  9. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    Will do. Probably picking up a PS4 pro next week RDR 2 version......if there are any left when I go to the store....otherwise I'll have to order one.....I'll look you up once I am set up. From what I understand RDR2 will not have online until 11/26 anyway....
     
  10. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    Captain: Well, I finally done broke down and reserved a PS4 pro with RDR 2 in the bundle. Picking it up on Friday. Look forward to plenty of stories from the ol' captain once online gets going....

    NOOB: Hooray we're back!

    Captain: We?????? I don't think so (WHAP! smacks noob across the face).

    NOOB: OW!

    Captain: Get outta here kid. I don't wanna see yer face until at least mid November when I finish the single player campaign.

    NOOB: (Walks away sulking) awwwwww.....

    THNSAWOITS
     
  11. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    NOOB: Hey Captain Obvious? When will RDR2 online be available?

    Captain: How the heck should I know kid? I just bought a PS4 last week I don't even have a PS+ account yet? Don't you think it's a bit early to be asking such things? Maybe you could try GOOGLE??????? Ya freakin' idiot!

    NOOB: Oh.....uh yeah sorry. My bad.....

    (Captain obvious saddles his horse and seems busy)

    NOOB: hey Captain obvious?

    Captain: WHAT NOW???

    NOOB: Ummmm..yeah just wondering why it is when in single player I can kill Legendary bears, Rob trains, kill legendary gunslingers, and other missions and manage to not die but every time I get ambushed by O'driscols or go after a bandit camp I seem to get killed?

    Captain: Well it's probably cuz when you get ambushed you're not expecting it numb nuts, as for bandit camps some are easier than others...it might also be the fact that you don't have the best weapons yet or have not upgraded them enough? I dunno kid.....just play the damn game and enjoy it. By the time you get through single player online should be up and running and then you can just come and complain to me about what other player do online like you have for the past 5 years or so.....

    NOOB: 5 years? Really? In 5 years I have yet to run out of questions? Wow. That's crazy. So since it's been 5 years I'm no longer a NOOB right?

    Captain: WRONG! It's a brand new game with a lot of changes. EVERYONE is a NOOB at this point. Except me of course.......

    NOOB: So you're not a NOOB on a brand new game? Really? That seems a bit pretentious of you....

    Captain: Why you little- (Captain winds up to slap the NOOB and is suddenly surprised when the NOOB dodges the slap)

    NOOB: HAHA! Saw that coming!

    (Noob Jumps on his horse and quickly tries to ride away only to hit a small rock and fall off of his horse)

    NOOB: Ouch! Damnit!

    Captain: Didn't see that coming did ya?

    (Captain hops on his horse and rides away......)

    Captain: Once a NOOB, always a NOOB.....

    THNSAWOITS. (which for you new readers stands for Tips Hat, Nods, Smiles, And Walks Off Into The Sunset....or rides off in this case)
     
  12. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    RDR 2 SPOILER warning:

    (Captain obvious rides over the top of a hill outside valentine holding a jug of moonshine in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and has chewing tobacco in his mouth to boot.....he is flashing yellow....the noob sits at a campfire and sees the Captain approaching)

    NOOB: WOW Captain obvious! You look messed up man!

    Captain: I'm high, drunk, and full of nicotine but don't worry kid.....my deadeye and other stats are maxed out so I'm as sharp as a whip! Just gotta eat some fresh game meat here to raise my health back up and I'll be goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood......

    (Captain falls off of horse and starts laughing...noob approaches with concern)

    NOOB: Are you okay?

    Captain: Never better Lenny, never Better....

    NOOB: Who is Lenny?

    Captain: Huh? wait a tick, yer not Lenny.......LENNNYYYYY!!!!

    NOOB: Wtf......so while I got ya here....laying on the ground.....what the heck is with that weird Cabin with the fat guy and his wife.....or maybe sister? And why does my butt hurt?

    Captain: Cuz ya got robbed and raped Lenny......

    NOOB: I'm not Lenny!

    Captain: LENNY!!!

    NOOB: Oh for Christs sake. You're wasted. I'm outta here...

    (captain sits up, suddenly pulls out his Lancaster repeater and quickly deadeye shoots the NOOB 5 times in the ass)

    NOOB: OW FUC#!!!!!

    (Noob runs off)

    Captain: How does yer butt feel now kid.....how does it feel now?

    (Tips hat, nods, smiles, and passes the eff out......)
     
  13. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    (Captain Obvious sits atop a tall mountain peak near a pile of what look to be human like remains smoking a cigar.....the noob slowly rides up to him on a horse being careful not to fall off of his horse or the side of the mountain)

    NOOB: Captain obvious! I've been looking all over for you! Where have you been?

    Captain: To be specific? I've been 2 missions into chapter 6 and doing side missions along the way.....now that I'm wanted dead or alive in most areas I thought I'd come up here and take a break.....found the remains of what appear to be a giant man or a Sasquatch up here.....what the hell do you want anyhow?

    NOOB: Umm...well.....I've been playing the game but I can't figure out one thing? Why is Micah such a pain in my ass?

    Captain: Kid.......no matter where you go.....no matter what you do.....there will always be the Micah's of the world....people you just don't like that are rude and annoying.....but that you have to deal with anyway. It may be through work or school or some other place but you're just going to have to learn to deal with these people whether you like them or not.

    NOOB: Wow. That's actually good advice for once. Thank you.

    Captain: FOR ONCE????? FOR ONCE????? If I didn't give you good advice how come you keep askin' me all these damned silly questions ya rootin' tootin' fart knocker???

    NOOB: Because every now and then you actually tell me something that I can use.

    Captain: Hmmmm.... I see..... hey why don't you come over here and enjoy the view? You can practically see the whole map from up here.

    NOOB: Sure! I've never seen the view from up here.....

    (noob approaches edge of Cliff)

    Captain: Here let me help you down so ya don't fall....give me your hand....

    (Noob reaches out and Captain Obvious Immediately grabs him and throws him off of the cliff)

    NOOB: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

    (Captain turns and looks at the NOOBS horse and notices that it is a white Arabian and immediately shoots it dead)

    Captain: Hey kid! (yelling down the side of the mountain where the Noob lies in a heap at the bottom) Here's some advice.....FOR ONCE!....Never take the hand of a man at the side of a Cliff who doesn't like you! Oh, and have fun tracking another Arabian horse up in the mountains once you Respawn!

    THNSAWOITS (I really need RDR 2 online to start......)
     
  14. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    I was bored and thought this would be something Captain Obvious might say......
    [​IMG]
     
  15. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    Waiting for RDR 2 online release date.....
    [​IMG]
     
  16. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    RDR 2 online is out (at least for me)! I have not had a chance to play it yet but look forward to plenty of rants from the Ol' Captain and the NOOB in the near future! In the mean time, here's the noob dancing with excitement over the chance to play all of the new team match/shootout and even race modes that look fun!
    [​IMG]
     
  17. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    AND THUS A NEW CHAPTER BEGINS.....THE CAPTAIN ARRIVES ON A NEW MAP WITH NEW CHALLENGES IN RDR 2 ONLINE. THINGS HAVE CHANGED GREATLY BUT SOME THINGS WILL BE THE SAME.....THE NOOB WILL ALWAYS COMPLAIN AND THE CAPTAIN WILL CONTINUE TO PROVIDE COMPLETELY USELESS ADVICE. SO HERE WE GO.....WITHOUT FURTHER ADO....

    THE JOURNAL OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS 2: RDR 2 ONLINE

    The Captain sits quietly on a rock outside of Saint Dennis (san denny? Saint Dennis? Meh...whatever) smoking a cigarette and chewing on a delicious piece of cocaine gum....an alligator approaches and curls up on the rock next to him like it was his pet dog.....

    The Noob comes riding up on a scrawny nag at full speed.

    NOOB: C'mon boy Hiyah! AHHHH FU*k! (Noob gets thrown from his horse and lands in the mud due to the fact that he wore out the horses stamina).

    Captain: Ya gotta take it easy on that first horse numb nuts.....it's not very strong.....

    NOOB: (standing up and approaching the rock) Tell me about it......how do I get a better one?

    Captain: Well you can raise some Skrilla or you can complete the first mission and steal a horse....make sure to invite some random pals to do it...makes it easier..

    NOOB: Did you seriously just use the word "SKRILLA" ? in a sentence? Oh well whatever.....so I had a question for you......how is it that this game has been out online for 3 days and there are already people kicking my ass and talking mad sh*t on the mic?

    Captain: Simple kid.....anyone who has had the game for a few days has had a chance to play the maps a bit and know where weapons are.....good places to camp, etc. IN fact after playing a bit my self it looks like camping will be a pretty big norm at least at the start of things because unlike the old read dead running and gunning gets you nowhere....good news is head shots are still about the same with a left trigger flip to get her done. As for talking mad sh*t what do you expect? Hell I did that on GTA 5 all the time when I played a match that I knew well....I had this one parcour thing down so good that I could win it everytime.....people are gonna talk smack. The goal is not to get frustrated but to get better....because the people who talk the most smack are also the ones that start having meltdowns when you beat em.....and that is highly entertaining let me tell you....

    NOOB: I see.....but Captain? Haven't you been known to talk some sh*t and then have a melt down on the mic?

    Captain: (takes a long drag off of his cigarette)......(ponders for a moment).......I don't know what the hell yer talkin' bout kid.....I would NEVER do that....

    NOOB: Ya know what? I think you're a liar.

    The Captain scowls angrily at the noob?

    Captain: Oh yeah? ya know what I think? I think my pet alligator (motions to aligator next to rock) Alfie here doesn't like you! ALFIE! SICK BALLS!

    Alfie gets up from his nap and and sprints full speed toward the NOOB.

    NOOB: Oh crap! (noob turns and runs away at full speed....he runs until the captain can no longer see him and Alfie gradually catches up to him....the captain smiles as he hears the sound of screaming and bones crunching)......

    Alfie returns to the Captain with his mouth covered in blood and lays down again next to the rock.

    Captain: Good boy Alfie. I tell ya what Alfie old pal.....it's a new game with new rules so a slap in the fact just didn't seem right....things are definitely going to get interesting around here.....things are definitely going to get interesting.....

    (captain flicks his cigarette into the mud and pats Alfie on the head and smiles)
     
  18. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    NOOB: Hey captain obvious? How come when I play co-op missions in story mode for rdr 2 online Some idiot always ends up killing the guy we need to capture or screwing up the mission so that we have to start over again because instructions were not followed? What is up with that?

    Captain: Well son, some people might be making a weak attempt at trolling but it would be my guess that these idiots either can't read, don't speak the language and can't understand what is being said by the NPC's, or they're just plain stupid. Either way kiddo....you might not be able to spin and roll anymore, and head shots may be trickier that they used to be.....and finding that last guy in a battle royale might be a pain in the ass, and earning gold might be as slow as molasses.....but there will always be stupid people playing online.

    NOOB: Thanks Captain obvious!

    Captain: Sure thing kid, sure thing. Now get out there and get shootin'!
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2018
  19. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    The Captain sits on a rock outside rhodes enjoying the beautiful view before him. He pulls out chewing tobacco, a cigarette, and a bottle of bourbon and proceeds to use all three at the same time, simutaneously smoking, spitting while using the chewing tobacco, and occasionally taking a drink from the bottle...he has his trusty pet alligator Alfie on a leash sitting next to him.

    Captain: (mumbles to self).....gotta get those cores up but this is disgusting....

    (The Noob rides up to the Captain riding a brand new Palomino horse. He hops off of the horse and stops to hitch it, pat it, and brush it)

    NOOB: Hey Captain obvious! Look what I got! A new horse!

    Captain: (Sarcastically) Congratulations kid.....looks like you managed to complete a story mission! Whoopidee doo!

    NOOB: I named him Cappy after you!

    Captain: (rolls his eyes in disgust). Gee kid......that's......great......so what do you want today anyhow?

    NOOB: Well, I was wondering why everyone is complaining so much about the showdown series? It seems like all people do on the mic is gripe about how they suck and how they can't kill anyone etc. I don't get it? It's a brand new game so why not try to learn how to play it? My guess would be that the only people who are actually good at this point are unemployed lonely slobs who have no life and are still playing it 10 hours or more per day?

    Captain: Listen kid, people have been complaining about RDR even since the last one. Heck, up until a few months ago I was still playing rdr 1 online and people constantly complained on the mic. As for slobs with no lives who are on the game 24/7? Yeah there's those guys and they've probably figured out a few tricks that the rest of us have yet to discover. My advice is to tell these whiny babies to suck it up buttercup because we're all struggling with the new game and how to get better at it.

    NOOB: Thanks Captain obvious!

    Captain: Sure thing kid.....say......how close is the nearest stable?

    NOOB: Ummmm....let me look at my map here......oh man it's super far......it would be a long ride by horse....

    Captain: Even longer on a scrawny nag.......

    NOOB: Huh?

    Captain: (takes leash off of Alfie the aligator). Alfie? Go kill that horse.

    (Alfie runs up to the NOOBS horse and tears it to pieces)

    NOOB: WTF?

    Captain: The way I see it kid I just helped you out. Now you can call a scrawny nag, ride it to the nearest stable where your horse has re spawned, and rename it something other than "CAPPY!" How about dumbass? That'd be a GOOD name for your horse.

    NOOB: You're so mean! WAAAHHHHH! (Noob runs off crying)

    Captain: Never said I was nice kid, never said I was nice...

    THNSAWOITS
     
  20. Chinny-againny

    Chinny-againny Gunslinger

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    Captain obvious sits by the fire in his camp outside Blackwater crafting game meat over the fire. Alfie the alligator is curlled up asleep on a bedroll nearby.
    The Noob rides up on a beautiful Chestnut Arabian horse....

    NOOB: WOOHOO! Got this thing free at the stable! Just had to delete my old horse!

    Captain: I'm cookin' here kid...whatdya want?

    NOOB: Oh, ummm (gets off horse and approaches the fire). How come nobody will join my posse in free roam?

    Captain: Besides the obvious fact that yer an idiot?

    NOOB: Uh.....yeah....

    Captain: Well kid I'm not sure. it probably has to do with the fact that no one can figure out how to accept a posse invite with all the damned menus in this game so they just ignore yer invite. Next time try waiting or switching sessions. I'd think more people would do it because when you are in a posse you can actually accept at least one specific mission from Horley in Blackwater that required you to be in a posse. my guess would be that you can also earn some decent XP and money from that mission.

    NOOB: Okay I'll keep trying!

    Captain: Now get the hell outta here and leave me be or I'll wake up Alfie over there!

    NOOB: Okay okay! GEEZ!

    (Noob quickly gets on his horse and rides off)

    Captain (to Alfie): Alfie old pal, I'd have sent you after him again but that was actually a decent question for once....
     

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